I’m back to work since vacations end. It seems I have a very busy week ahead of me. I’m still struggling with him being away. I know it’s just another day that I am stress. Tomorrow I’m going to be just fine. Long distance relationships are never easy but I know there’s nothing going to tear us apart. The thing is we already are apart and it seems nothing worse than that. I've cried a thousand times over things that I can't change--hoping that someday it will. But tears and emotional wouldn’t help much with my situation—instead it makes thing worse.

Sometimes it seems like my long distance relationship will remain long distance forever. Sometimes it doesn’t seem a bad idea.  I’ve been on my own for so long now. I don’t know how it feels if we can get our life together. But then it feels so great when I hear him laugh and how I love to look into his beautiful eyes. And how it feels to be in his arms. I know how lucky I am to have him

There’s always a feeling of guilt, desperate  that stays with me. Even we already have conversations and we agree we should be together! But it seems like these are not really helping me from not being sad. How many times I remind myself how lucky we are to each other, even we aren’t in the same place.

Karaokae

I’m not a karaoke lover. I enjoyed sing a song without microphone and music. At least it is less annoyed—at least it isn’t as loud.

After a year I had a chance to go to karaoke last Thursday. I felt really old! At least the song I can think of isn’t that modern. How old is Rod Stewart and ABBA by the way?

Anyway, you probably know how Thai people crazy about Karaoke—and that’s nothing wrong. In comparison Filipinos are 10 times crazy. And I got use to it when I was there; people sing a song and dance. Believe it or not! About a half of the population has a karaoke box at home!!!

Anyway the karaoke was suppose to be Cool and Fun thing to do. At least when you feel lonely or being under pressure, But this Karaoke night isn’t going to be fun because we got stood up!

Somebody who organizes this party has already invited

23Karaoke

around 15 people or so and they didn’t show up! And this party was supposed to be more likely a wedding party announcement… but the soon-to-be gloom appeared there only 15 mins and he just left!

There were only 3 people left in a big room, the room was quite more than a normal Karaoke room because that was supposed to be 15 people there. Anyway, we managed to sing and dance and ordered some foods.  

After the party ends, its time to pay the bills!  And the worst part was that who is going to pay the bill?

We stared at each other and silence.

You know I can't smile without you. I can't smile without you. I can't laugh and I can't sing— this song popup in my head  in that moment.

There’s nothing worst that you know you have to pay something you’re not supposed to pay. It feel like you pay for your underwear and it doesn’t fit you ever!

Well, life doesn’t fit. Life is change. Life is Life.

After a while, a waiter hands me a bill. “Here you are…”

"Er.. right…"  we'resupposed to pay this. of course we will. we have to! 

Well, after the party ends, how fun? Imagine that this was my wedding party announcement thingy and there were only a few people there. That is still 10 times better than this feeling. A feeling that we got stood up and nobody care each other anymore in this society. They care only about themselves. And now that was a karaoke voice in my head.

IMG_1927

I have just had a rotten day. The day that I want to just sit alone and cried. But I couldn’t… The day I felt so humiliated, embarrassed, disappointed, and worthless. And I still have that feeling with me all the time but I need to go on.

My parents tired to arrange my wedding without asking me. They asked my boyfriend instead. I know they’re conservative and I know they care about their image. 

 Even my relationship is good but I never ask for help! They don’t have the right to do anything about it!

We were happy and enjoyed out relationship—I wanted to stay a happy couple and then later we can see what this love has got to do for us, but what now!? Somebody stepped there and force us to married… Are you joking? If we are not ready why we need to? What marriage really means? A ceremony, people and cakes? Isn’t that loving each other is more important?  Well, maybe not…

I feel a pang inside after we finished talking. I couldn’t do anything. It was like my whole world has turned around. It was a serious impact on us. How could I ask him if he wanted to marry me or not? How could I bear if he said that he doesn’t or I’m not ready? Should that be the end of our relationship?  But if he wanted to I would think because of my family has been forced him to do that anyway.

What my parents should know is that they are not going to make me marry anyone by their behavior.

When you're living in both conservative and modern country. Where you can see both thing twisted. Especially when you are Thai woman, you are in between those tradition conservation and modern kind of things. And you are being confused all the time.

I really don’t understand why Thai parents forced their child especially their daughter to married before make sure if they love each other or they’re match. Also when the relationship won’t work anymore, a divorce considered tainted for women.

What would I say with my situation? Where the society has been banned a mini-skirt (because they think that the invitation for rape) but you can find coyote girls at many events and a lot of night clubs more than just bookstore.

There’s no easy way to handle that ever!

Curtain

If I have to write about my vacations, first thing I couldn’t forget and it still scare me every night was that my sleeping walking and screaming just came back lately during my trip, and this time getting worse. I even broke the curtain rail.

I awake that night at the hotel and I seem to forget everything I did. I didn’t know what I did exactly but Colin told me that I screamed and we found out after turn the light on that the curtain rail already broken. I stood there for awhile and tried to think of what I did but useless, I can’t remember anything.

I just notice that I had a sore throat and my arms hurts so much, there was a little cut on my left arm and bruise on his arm as well.

We weren’t sure what to do … and I couldn’t fall asleep again after, I manange to sleep at last after 2 hours.

I did what I don’t remember and it was so terrible to have these symptoms back again. I wanted to cry—even I know that’s not being helpful.

Remembering, I use to send SMS while I was sleeping and I didn’t remember anything. That was terrible but this was worse.

The next morning, I told the housekeeper at the hotel that the curtain rail needs to be fix,  then she asked someone to fix it, it took 2 or 3 hours to fix and they even need to changed the new rail. I really feel so terrible about this thing. Anyway, the hotel didn’t charge us for that, they simply thought their curtain rail was too old. :P

But well, broken curtain rail can be fix, but what about me? Can I be fixed?

 08:00am OMG Woke up late—forgot to set my alarm. Run to bathroom. Get dress and do everything in 30 mins and left home immediately.

09:00am Good thing being late is that you don’t’ have to stuck in the traffic and you will probably arrived on time anyway! So there’s no point to work up early anymore.

09:20am Eating breakfast and Driving.
10:30am went to hospital but the doctor wasn’t there.

12:00nn visiting Joy and her baby at the hospital.

13:00pm the same hospital but to check my dandruff symptom. – had this 2 weeks ago, the doctor said nothing to be worry about it occurred because I don’t have enough sleep.

16:00pm back to work—can’t believe I had to stucked in the traffic for 1 hour. Grrrr

Sunday, August 9, 2009

8:30am Breakfast—Thai Cuisine and instant cappuccino! Nothing special.

9:30am  Watching the DH last episode - Finally Mike and Susan are back together--this is not a spoiler coz you can tell from the start.

11:00am checking email and doing a Spanish homework. The bottom line I’m unhappy doing homework—don’t know why. I mean how could I turn homework into fun time?  We should have “No Homework Policy”.

 12:00nn Done with the homework and begin to understand a bit why a professor give the plenty of it.—Gracias professor.

12:30pm Talk to Colin on skype. -- discovered that Twitter isn't for normal people. it is actually mean "Twitter can't come between us"--  So stoped insist in using it now. Ugh...  Getting normal people to adopt Twitter will be difficult! I knew it!

14:00pm Lunch time-- Kanomjeen with green curry soup 

14:40pm Talk to Colin on skype. -- He likes google book more than twitter! Well, obviously!-- no more convincing today.

17:00pm Going to the market with dad, buying Somtum for my dinner! Market is always crowded!

17:40pm Went back home seaching for Swarovski Earring! Yay!--  found it left under the seat in the car--well, actually i said "chaiyo" thats mean Yay! in English! -- btw I’ve been searching for a long time finally!

Acupuncture

I went to had acupuncture 3 times for past 3 weeks. It was weight control program and also heals my back pain. First time I went there I was a bit nervous… I mean I didn’t know how is it going to be? How do you feel like somebody put the needle into your body? That was how I felt. Anyway, I went together with my friend so I feel more relieve.

The doctor didn’t say anything much. After explaining where each needle was going to be placed and why. The needles were inserted, around 50 needles I think.  After 30 minutes or so, nurse comes in to remove it out of my body.

Now, you might want to know how Acupuncture work? How effective it is?

http://www.weight-loss-professional.com/acupuncture-for-weight-loss.html

http://www.life123.com/health/alternative-medicine/acupuncture/acupuncture-weight-loss.shtml

Wishful

I always keep my love life away from my blog. I don’t know why… Its not that I don’t want to share but sometimes some personal feeling or thing that you just couldn’t explain and when you are going to do that--it looks like you’re trying to explain something that you can’t and that doesn’t sound like easy.

Anyway, I decided to share it—well, just like that. Ha!

I and my boyfriend are finally found the way back together. We were apart for almost 4 years. After we broke up everything went completely different. Not that I expected it to be. But I move on and spent 3 and a half years without him. He did the same. I thought I made the right decision and I shall not look back to the past or even think about it again. But the thing was-- I was completely failed with the moved on project. I pretended that I moved on all the time.  

I told my friends and family that I moved on and that I am fine! But inside I have a huge pain and fear to re-build a new relationship. Deep down inside I was still couldn’t find someone to replace the feeling. I just can’t. Sometimes when you already found the right person, it could never be the right after the right.

Perched Love

So far I still enjoyed my life the moment I could and I wasn’t suffering for all those time. Instead I learnt a lot and positive enough all those years. It was just that inside I felt something missing all the time. Well, sometimes you could just ignore those feeling when you simply can’t heal it.

And then here we are after almost 4 years-- we’ve gotten back together.  I didn’t even think broken up and go back together could happen in my real life. But this is what we have now and hopefully we will make it last.

And we now have to deal with the long distant thing… It's a terrible thing that we live so far apart - approximately 5,700 miles away. Living far away from each other definitely does not make a relationship easier. It was really hard than I imagine… The different time zone and location could create misunderstanding. Even though I believe we can do it. We can handle it. But sometimes I fear.

I think we both realized that giving up this opportunity would probably be something we would regret till the rest of our life. So we choose to deal with the Long distance and make the best of it.

And that’s our story so far…  :)

470_spanish

Hola! everyone!

Spanish is always the interesting language to learn. I always want to have a chance learning it. Actually it was inspired by my best friend who could speak 3 languages. English, Spanish and French. I always want to be a bit more like that!

And sometimes ago I happened to love Spanish song called “no me Ames” and I wondered who could use that phase? “Don’t love me” How useful is that? And that probably the first phase I learnt… before Hola! It could be like … If I happen to meet Spanish and I could throw these words to them “Hey don’t love me ok?” lol

The thing is I decided to take a bit more serious on Spanish. I happened to take a course lately. Would you believe that? I spen my precious weekend learning the language I hardly use! I have a doubt if I am going to success it or take more steps. Anyway, I didn’t actually found that easy as I first thought. This class is full of serious grammar and kind of things. I personally doubt if I could remember it all that!

Anyway, don’t get the whole thing wrong… Spanish is fun!  Now I know how to read it! I can give you some more useful words that are really easy! Don’t bother with those grammars stuff, I’m swamp with it.

Easy Vocabulary

Moment = momento

Time = timpo

Minute = minuto

Second = segundo

Hour = Hora

Important = Importanto

Possible = possible

Need = Necesito

No = No

Want some greetings sentence? Here we go

A: Hola! ¿Cómo está?

B: Muy bien, gracias y tu?

A: Estoy bian, gracias.

Want more? I will write it more next time.

Hasta pronto!